The worst thing I've ever made.

                       Black Holly Leaves of Doom

This is definitely the worst thing I've ever produced, the worst thing I've ever pulled from an oven, the worst miscalculation of any recipe I've ever tried.

​I'm not wild about a commercial panettone. They are too airy and often with too much undefinable (i.e artificial) flavouring.  So I did a lot of talking around and reading about its culture, history and preparation.  I went from Paul Hollywood (British Scouser from The Great British Bake-Off) to Carol Field, Marcella Hazan and Pellegrino Artusi et al.  

It all seemed like a wank, a procedure aimed at making the cook feel important, admired and loved. Days of angst with three different fermentations and proofing!  Rubbish! None of that.  I understand  pastry, I make brioche with my eyes shut, for me puff pastry replaces yoga. 
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Instead of making panettone, I decided to make a festive, culturally sensitive, fruit-studded brioche.    Culturally sensitive in that I wanted to stay away from any rebukes from my Italophile friends.  You know how it goes, add one more mint leaf to a traditional risotto recipe and you'll be banned from the aperitivo for life.

So instead, I ended up with this. What went wrong?  It is literally inedible and I use the word correctly. It's as dry as if it had been made a week ago and left un-covered on the bench.  Toasted this morning and buttered,  it didn't improve and there's not much that can't be fixed with a good buttering.

Analysis...

• I had increased the butter quantity from the recipe. Can never have too much butter in a brioche, I thought.  It went into the refrigerator overnight for its nice long, flavour-developing rise.  In the morning it was solid.  The butter had gone hard, of course, preventing it from rising, I think.  Left on the bench the next day, it softened but was it too late?
• Before baking I did all the tests for perfect proofing - surface tapping etc. Obviously got that wrong.
• Did I bake it too long? How was that possible when I inserted my  scientific, battery -fired, digital, automatic cake tester and got to the recommended  88˚ C?
• I wanted to be generous with the fruit.  I used quality local dried fruit and also added heaps of hand-cut (by me) imported candied citron.  Slicing my "abomination", I find that, fruit-wise, it's nearly empty.  I should have tripled it. (I should also have read a recipe.)
• I drove for miles to get a cute traditional paper case which nonetheless didn't help my baking.
• Forcing down a toasted slice at breakfast, I realise it's also tasteless.  I'm not salt-phobic.  I mock fools who miss out the flavour enhancement that  comes from judicious salt.  Why, oh why, this time did I decide to add half a teaspoon instead of the whole?

What do I learn?

• ​I learn that first time around, you stick religiously to the instructions, the ingredients, the method.
• Only play when you have the knowledge and confidence.
• I learn that there is something to be said for tradition. There is reason behind the madness.
• I know that, thrown from a horse, you get back in the saddle.  I'll tackle something testing but achievable straight away.
• I will trust in salt and flavour quantities.

What to do with this?  Perhaps I'll make Tiramisu but is this allowed with messed-up brioche?  I could make a trifle and be careful not to call it Zuppa Inglese.  I'll also go buy a panettone.

Apart from pride and ignorance, where did I go wrong?  
​Comment below.